


Not good enough?

by NotfunnyDean (IronEyes)



Series: SPN FLUFF BINGO 2019 [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crying!Dean, Dean is so in love, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining!Cas, SPN Fluff Bingo 2019, because then I wouldn't have a job, but then he finds Cas' list, he even asks Cas out all on his own, oh right, pining!dean, sad!dean, two idiots in love, why does nobody ever talk about their feelings, with ten things about Dean written on it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-16
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-11-19 09:56:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18134249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronEyes/pseuds/NotfunnyDean
Summary: When Dean finds a list in Cas’ room, where Cas has written down everything he hates about him, Dean tries to become a brand new person. But Castiel seems to hate that as well.





	Not good enough?

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my next fic for the SPN Fluff Bingo 2019! :) This one got a bit longer.
> 
> Square: Hurt / Comfort
> 
>  
> 
> A/N: Well as always I put a tiny bit (or more like a lot) of drama/angst into it. This is not my fault :P but my friends already call me their DramaKing™, so I wanted to keep up with that name.

“Hey uhm… Cas? Can we talk for a second?” Dean asks and Castiel looks up from the old book he was reading. Dean shifts his weight from one foot to the other, because he is actually very nervous.

“Sure, Dean.” Castiel says and he even puts the book to his side. Dean nods to himself and the focuses on a spot at the wall behind Castiel. 

“I just wanted to ask you… if you would like...well if you are hungry? I mean we could go out. Just you and me and you know... eat.” Dean stutters and he blushes badly at his own words. Castiel just squints at him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Castiel says and Dean’s heart breaks quietly. He really hopes Castiel doesn’t see it, but Dean really thought Castiel would agree to a date. The last weeks they grew even closer than before and… maybe Dean had just imagined it.

“Oh that’s well...okay, too.” Dean mumbles, but he feels sick. This is not the first time, someone didn’t want him, but it’s the first time it actually hurts like this. Castiel just nods and gets up quickly.

“I’m sorry Dean, but it’s better this way.” Castiel says and he even puts his hand on Dean’s upper arm, where is mark once was. Dean swallows dryly and nods. Maybe Castiel is right. 

Dean did fuck up every relationship he had before, so he should leave Castiel alone. They have good friendship going on. That should be enough. Dean never had a best friend before (besides Sam) and he feels lucky enough to get Castiel already in that way.

“Yeah I mean...we’re still friends right?” Dean mumbles and Castiel nods. He doesn’t look too happy about it and Dean has to look away, when Castiel turns around and leaves.

Dean takes a deep breath. He would just need to forget about Castiel. Easy, right? 

 

*

 

“Cas? Do you have any dirty laundry?” Dean yells through the corridor, when he discovers that there would still be enough space in the washing machine. There is no answer and Dean groans, when he gets up from kneeling on the ground and walks out of the washing room. 

“Cas, I asked…” Dean stops when he enters Castiel’s room and the other man isn’t even there. Dean shrugs, maybe Castiel was outside chasing bees or whatever he was up to these days. Normally he closes his door though.

Dean sighs and then spots a clothes basket on Castiel’s dresser. He decides to have a short look and goes over to it. There are only a few shirts and the trench coat in the basket, but Dean takes that with him anyway. Castiel could thank him later.

“Can’t believe he still wears that.” Dean mutters, when he searches in the trench coat’s pockets for stuff, that would get destroyed in the washing machine. He stops in his movements, when he finds a neatly folded paper in one of the pockets.

“Huh?” Dean makes, because the paper of this list is already turning a bit yellow and he can see, that Castiel had opened and closed it a lot of times. Dean knows he shouldn’t open it. Unlike Castiel he actually knows what personal space is, but there is something that takes him aback. 

His name is written on it.

Dean isn’t sure how long he sits on the cold ground. The washing machine started already and he is watching it. The paper still in his hands. He should’ve never just taken Castiel’s clothes, but to be honest, it wasn’t the first time he had done it and Castiel had never said anything. 

Dean swallows. He just had never washed the trench coat for Castiel. Dean sighs loudly and throws the paper on the ground next to him. It would be the right thing to just leave it alone, but only seconds later Dean has the paper in his hands again.

“Okay.” Dean mutters and then he opens it, ignoring the bad feeling in his tummy. Inside of the paper is a list written, and again, on top of the list is his name. Dean swallows. The list has exactly ten points.

_
  * The way he is always staring at me with too bright green eyes
  * His non-existent table manners and love for unhealthy food
  * His Love for Pie
  * The unhealthy affiliation to his car
  * His classic rock music and sometimes he even signs loudly to it
  * His style of clothing
  * His bowlegs
  * His freckles 
  * He can be incredibly playful and childish
  * He will never give up the hunting lifestyle
_ 


Dean doesn’t know what to do. The list is too heavy in his hands and he tucks it into his own pocket, so he doesn’t have to look at it again. He never knew… that Castiel hated so many things about him.

But that would explain his behaviour towards Dean lately. It takes Dean almost thirty minutes until he feels calm enough to leave the washing room, but he just ends up in his bed, staring at the ceiling. 

Castiel never ate with him anymore, no matter what Dean made for him. No, he would always eat with Sam or alone in his room, where he was undisturbed. Since he fell, he eats a lot and Dean had actually found a joy in showing Castiel new food all the time.

And last week, when Dean had finally asked him out, it had taken all his courage to actually ask Castiel to join him to a restaurant near the bunker and he had even booked a nice table for them, but Castiel had declined.

Dean thought he was heartbroken back then, but this is worse. At least he knows now why Castiel wouldn’t go out with him. But maybe… maybe Dean could change?

 

*

 

“Hey Dean.” 

Dean looks up and sees Sam leaning in his doorway. Dean hastily puts the paper away and hopes Sam doesn’t see it. Dean had read it a hundred times over the last days and by now he actually knows it by heart.

“What’s up?” Dean asks and takes his gun, from where it lays next to his knee. He continues to clean it and Sam comes into his room.

“Well since we kinda spent the last days in the bunker, I wanted to know if you want to go out and grab some food.” Sam says and he shrugs. Dean thinks about it for a moment and to be honest, he is really hungry.

“Sounds good to me. When?” Dean says, when he finally seems satisfied with his gun and puts it back under his pillow.

“Leave in an hour? I asked Cas as well and he is up for it, too.” Sam says and before Dean can answer that, he is already out of the door. Dean groans. If he had known Castiel would be there too, he would’ve declined.

After finding the list, Dean tried to avoid his best friend, but seems like he has to face him now again. Fuck. But at least he still has some time to prepare before going out. Dean nods to himself and then gets up to look into his dresser. 

“Flannel, Flannel and oh surprise, Flannel.” Dean mutters quietly while he throws them onto his bed. Castiel wrote down, that he doesn’t like his style of clothing, so Dean is pretty sure he talks about his flannels. He called him a lumberjack before.

Finally at the bottom of the drawer he finds something different than flannels, band-shirts and his henleys. Dean sighs. It’s a white dress-shirt and he only wore it for a case before and even than under a suit, but maybe Castiel would be happier about this than his normal stuff. 

Dean takes out some jeans, since he doesn’t really want to wear his suit pants as well and he figures jeans are always nice, right? He dresses slowly and then looks into the mirror. He feels a bit uncomfortable, but he would get used to it. 

“Okay step one, done.” Dean says and he even tucks the shirt in. So weird, but he doesn’t look too bad. What else could he do? Maybe he could look into Sam’s stuff in the bathroom and find something to cover his freckles. 

It’s kinda embarrassing, that he actually thinks about doing this, but he really likes Castiel and maybe the fallen angel could finally see that Dean is worth something, too. 

“Remember, you deserve this, nobody wants to be with some person like you. Not even your best friend likes those things about you, so you can at least try.” Dean says again and again to himself on his way to the bathroom. Sam has his own sink and there are a dozen things around it. 

It takes Dean almost thirty minutes to understand what the hell Sammy, has in his bags. Lots of hair products as well, but Dean doesn't use those. Sam would throw a fit, if he sees that Dean touched his stuff already.

In the end he even finds some makeup and while he wants to laugh at Sam for it, he carefully takes it out of one of the bags. He remembers being in that weird as fuck universe, where people actually put makeup on him. He hated it back then, he doesn’t want to be a painted whore again.

“Then again everyone always made fun of your freckles.” Dean says quietly, when he looks into his mirror. Only his mother really liked them and she would always tell Dean freckles where kisses from Angels. Dean had loved that story, even though he always pretend to hate it, when John or Sam brought it up.

And the kids in his school loved to laugh at him as well. Dean knows how cruel children can be now, but back then when he was only ten years old and his whole class laughed at him? He ran home and for the first time in his life, he was glad when John arrived and drove with them to just another city.

“Dean?” Sam knocks on the door and Dean hastily puts everything back, where it belongs. He used only a bit of the makeup but it really covers up all his freckles. They are still there, but not as bad as before.

“Coming!” Dean yells back and then straightens his collar again. He doesn’t look too different to be honest, but the small changes are obviously there. He tries to smile at his reflection, but it looks weird. 

“What took you so long?” Sam asks, but he raises his eyebrows, when he sees Dean coming out of the bathroom. Dean just shrugs and he really hopes the damn makeup would cover up his blush as well.

“Nothing.” Dean says shortly and he shakes his head, when Sam opens his mouth. Dean just walks towards the garage and he is glad when Sam follows him, without asking a million questions. 

“Cas is already waiting.” Sam only says, when they enter the garage and yeah there is Castiel leaning against Baby. Normally Dean would’ve barked at him for that, but he swallows the words down.

“Hey Cas.” Dean says and he tries to smile all confidently at the fallen angel. Castiel looks up and he seems to be speechless for a second. Dean’s smile grows. Maybe Castiel really likes this! 

“Dean, what are you wearing?” Castiel asks and he frowns in his adorable way. Dean just winks at him.

“I know, I look great.” Dean says and he hopes nobody calls him out about his faked confidence. Sam doesn’t say anything and just gets into the car. Dean shrugs at that and turns around to walk to the driver seat.

“You look different.” Castiel says and Dean ignores it. He doesn’t want to talk about it in front of Sam. Just as Dean sits down, he hears how Castiel opens the back door. It makes a horrible noise when the door whacks against the wall.

It’s completely quiet. Normally Dean would already be swearing and yelling, since his poor Baby got hurt, but this time Dean tries to remain calm. He just grips his steering wheel so tight, his knuckles turn white.

“Dean?” Sam asks quietly, while Castiel hastily closes the door.

“It’s okay. Just a car, am I right? Car’s get scratches all the time.” Dean says and it sounds so fake, but he even smiles at Castiel through the rearview mirror. Castiel and Sam don’t answer him, so Dean just starts the car.

He would totally fix her tonight, when Castiel and Sam would be asleep already. His poor Baby, Dean had just done a neat paint job to her doors last week. But he would just do it again.

“Are you alright?” Sam asks when they drive out of the garage and Dean nods. He tries to remember the list. What else was on there? Oh right!

“Of course I am.” Dean answers and he pushes a few buttons on the car radio. It takes him a while, but he does find a radio station that plays the latest charts. Dean doesn’t know a single song, but at least that means he couldn't start to sing to it. He even stops humming when he catches himself doing it.

“No rock music?” Castiel asks from the back and Dean shakes his head.

“Nah, think it’s time for a change, right? I know you two love this kind of music.” Dean says, even though he isn’t really sure if Castiel likes music at all. He had taken the mixtape back, when he wanted to return it to Dean, but that doesn’t mean that he listens to it.

“Okay.” Sam says slowly, but he says it, as if nothing is okay actually. Dean rolls his eyes, but then he remembers that could count as childish and he just turns the music a bit louder. 

The rest of the drive, nobody says anything and Dean is already getting a headache from the voice of those musicians or whatever they are meant to be. He wants his rock music back, but he could listen to it later alone.

“Wait, what about this diner!” Castiel says and Dean looks to his right, when he sees that Castiel is pointing in that direction. The diner looks nice enough and Dean drives towards the parking lot. 

“I have never been here before.” Sam admits, when they get out of the car and Dean agrees, but as Castiel already points out, it looks really great. Dean straightens his collar again and then follows them towards the diner.

“Oh wow.” Sam says, when he opens the door and Dean tries to see something over his shoulder. Castiel is grinning a bit too and Dean pushes Sam to his side. The diner looks awesome. It’s kinda decorated with superhero stuff and there is even a big batman statue in the corner. 

“Dean look!” Castiel says and he points at said Batman. Dean would love to go over and take a picture, but he doesn’t feel that would be a very good idea. So he just nods and then searches for a free table. 

“Seriously what is going on with you today? You love Batman.” Sam says, when he follows Dean to the table. Dean frowns when Castiel sits down opposite from him. Great now he really has to concentrate, not to stare at Castiel again.

“Yeah but I’m kinda hungry.” Dean tries to avoid the conversation and grabs himself a menu card. There are some awesome burgers on it and Dean’s belly grumbles quitely, just from reading it. 

“Oh they have a whole card just for salads!” Sam says happily and Dean eyes the tiny red card on the table. He looks back to Castiel, who seems to be a bit lost in his own menu and Dean sighs.

“Hello, what can I do for you?” Their waitress asks and Sam orders himself a salad, that Dean can’t even pronounce. Castiel orders a burger with chicken and even more salad on the side and Dean…

“I would like uhm… the same as him.” Dean says and he nods over to Castiel. He would still get a burger at least, even if it’s chicken and not meat. And the salad? Well he could do it. He looks sadly at the picture of fries on the menu card and closes it.

“Dean.” Castiel says and Dean smiles up at him. Maybe Castiel realizes how hard Dean is trying to be good for him.

“Yes, Cas?” Dean asks back and plays with the silverware that is already on the table. He needs to remind himself, that he actually uses it for his burger. Luckily he needs it anyway for his salad. 

“I’m a bit worried about you.” Castiel says and he looks sad. Dean bites down on his under lip, when Castiel stares at him. He can’t look back and get lost in those blue eyes again. Castiel doesn’t seem to like the staring matches, so he looks at his hands.

“I’m fine. Really, I’m better than ever.” Dean says and he tries to sound happy, even though he feels too cold in his dress shirt now and his face kinda itches, too.

“You seem a bit off.” Sam tries it carefully, but Dean only glares at him. After that they both try not to talk to him again. Dean relaxes a bit and when the waitress brings the food, Dean takes his cutlery and starts to eat.

He is being very careful and actually eat as slowly, as Sam always does. It’s weird, but Castiel smiles a bit, when he looks to Dean and Dean is pleased at that. Seems like Castiel now registers the change.

“How is the burger?” Castiel asks and Dean swallows, before he answers.

“It’s really good. I think we should come here more often.” Dean answers and maybe he could get a date with Castiel this time. Castiel just nods and Dean drinks another sip of his water. Ugh. He hates the non-existent taste.

“So we didn’t have a hunt the last weeks.” Dean says between some bites and he keeps on his mind, to swallow before speaking. Sam beside him nods and even Castiel looks up again.

“You found a new one?” Castiel asks and he sounds a bit alarmed. Dean shakes his head, he hadn’t even looked for any hunts the last days. Instead he had thought how he could impress Castiel.

“Nah. I was thinking if maybe...you know, we should take a real break. Do something nice for once, like a… vacation.” Dean says and Sam’s fork falls to the ground. Dean frowns at him.

“You want to stop hunting?” Sam asks, when he gets his fork back and Dean slowly shakes his head. Sure Castiel had written down, that he hates that Dean will never give it up, but he can’t just… stop.

But maybe taking small vacations would be a good start.

“No. I’m just talking about taking some break in between.” Dean says and Castiel tilts his head again. Dean is sure that he would read Dean’s thoughts now, if he was still an angel.

“A break would be good maybe.” Castiel says quietly and even Sam doesn’t say anything else. Dean is proud of himself. Besides the bowlegs, he did almost change everything about him and he can’t really get surgery for that, right? Maybe Castiel could ignore that point.

“Someone want dessert?” Sam changes the topic after he is already finished with his tiny salad. Dean doesn’t understand how such a tall guy, eats so little. Then again he already feels full, too. Maybe it’s because he tried to eat so slowly.

“I saw they have some good pie here!” Castiel says happily and he points over to the counter. Dean licks his lips, when he sees some glorious cherry pie on top of it, but he shakes his head.

“Nah I’m good.” Dean says and he wipes his mouth clean with his napkin. Castiel looks at Sam and both seems to have a conversation without saying anything. Dean frowns.

“Okay I’ll go pay then. You two want to go outside?” Sam asks and he gets up to the counter. Dean looks at the Batman again and sighs sadly. He would come back another time then, Charlie would’ve loved that picture.

“So what do you think Cas…” Dean starts to say, when they are outside, but Castiel uses the moment he has his back to him and actually pushes Dean against his car. Dean smacks his head at the roof and groans.

“Who the hell are you and where is Dean?” Castiel growls into his ear, while he presses Dean between himself and the car. Dean blinks a few times and he is sure there is some blood dripping down his left eyebrow.

“Cas - what the fuck!” Dean tries, but Castiel only presses harder against him and Dean’s head pounds from the pain.

“You have one more chance, before I smite you right here.” Castiel says and he sound so angry. Dean is feeling dizzy and it’s hard to keep his eyes open. He can hear footsteps and want to say something, but his tongue doesn’t work.

“It’s okay Cas. I have the holy water and also the knife.” Sam says and when he cuts over Dean’s arm, he finally passes out.

 

*

 

“Oh fuck.” Dean mutters, when he wakes up again. His head is still hurting like hell, he hadn’t thought that Castiel is actually this strong, but that was a very good move to pound his head against the car.

Dean is just not sure why he deserved that.

“Dean?” 

Dean tries to open his eyes and when he does he can see Castiel again. When Castiel reaches out with his hand, Dean jerks a bit away and winces, when the pain gets worse. Castiel sighs.

“I’m really sorry, Dean.” Castiel tries it again and this time Dean holds still. Castiel carefully strokes over his cheek and Dean shudders under the sweet touch.

“What happened?” Dean chokes out and Castiel gets up from his chair, to get him something to drink. Dean slowly sits up and and accept the glass of water. This time it feels good on his throat.

“I uhm...knocked you out.” Castiel admits and he looks ashamed. Dean puts the glass on his nightstand and only realizes now that he is back in his own bed under his blanket.

“Yeah I think I remember that, but I still don’t understand why.” Dean looks down to his arm and sees the bandage around it. Oh yeah Sam had cut him, so maybe they tested him for being a creature. _Great._

“We thought you were a demon or something.” Castiel says then and Dean snorts, but that kinda hurts his head, so he stops. He can understand that his brother and Castiel thought that, but it still frustrated him. He just wanted to change for the better.

“I’m not.” Dean says and Castiel nods. He looks still worried and then he gets up again. Dean watches him while Castiel goes over to his dresser. He isn’t sure what Castiel wants there, but Dean would love to finally get out of his damn dress-shirt.

“We know. Sam tested everything and then we bought you back here. I’m really sorry Dean, but you worried me with your behaviour today...” Castiel says and Dean wants to protest and tell him that he just wanted to be better, when Castiel holds something up.

And _oh god_ , it’s the list.

“..and then I find this on your bed.” Castiel finishes and he is still with his back towards Dean, who looks down at his hands, in case that Castiel turns around to him.

“I found it, when I was washing your clothes the other day and… I read it.” Dean finishes lamely and Castiel doesn't say anything for a very long time. Dean is too afraid to check, if he is still there.

“And you decide to actually change your whole being, like the idiot you are?” Castiel says and he sounds pretty angry now, unlike he did when Dean woke up just minutes ago. Dean blushes even more.

“I thought you would be happy about it.” Dean says quietly and Castiel isn’t even looking at him. Dean feels worse with every second. No matter what he does, it’s never good enough. He wasn’t good enough for his Dad, not good enough to save the world, and now not good enough for Castiel.

“Happy. Not really.” Castiel says and he sounds so frustrated and angry and it somehow feels even worse than the time he declined the date with Dean. When Castiel doesn’t say more, Dean sniffs quietly.

When the first drop falls down on his blanket, Dean wipes over his face and he can’t help the next tears that fall, when he sees the damn makeup on his hand. He hates all of this. 

No matter what he tries, Castiel doesn’t want him. He should just get over it and move on.

“Dean?” Castiel asks now and Dean keeps his gaze down. Castiel comes back to the bed and sits on the edge of it. Dean sniffs again, but he wouldn’t let Castiel see the tears of shame.

“Leave it.” Dean snaps angrily, but Castiel is having none of it and he even takes Dean’s hand in his own. He takes a washcloth, that was lying next to Dean and carefully cleans his hand.

Dean doesn’t say anything, too ashamed.

“Why did you do this, Dean?” Castiel asks and he puts his fingers under Dean’s chin. Dean finally looks up, but closes his eyes, when the next tears fall down. Castiel looks so disappointed.

“You hate my freckles.” Dean whispers and Castiel sounds like he is choking on his spit. Dean wants the ground to swallow him up or maybe for Sam to walk in on them now. 

“Dean, that is not true.” Castiel says and now Dean has to open his eyes. Castiel looks very serious, his blue eyes shining. 

“But your list…” Dean tries and Castiel tilts his head. He carefully takes his hand away from Dean’s chin and he wasn’t aware, that Castiel was still touching him. Castiel takes the paper and opens it again. 

Dean wishes he would’ve never have to see the list again.

“Dean when you asked me to join you to dinner a few weeks ago, what were your intentions?” Castiel asks now and Dean frowns. Why is this important now, when his best friend has a list with things he hates about him.

“I… wanted to date you.” Dean forces out and immediately Castiel’s whole expression changes. He even smiles sadly and then reaches out for Dean again. Dean wants to jerk away again, but Castiel just puts his hand against Dean’s cheek.

“I thought you wanted just to have a dinner between friends and since I don’t want to fall even more for you, I declined.” Castiel explains and Dean’s eyes widen. He is sure that he is already imagining things.

“Fall for me?” Dean asks quietly and Castiel’s thumb strokes over his skin.

“Of course and I mean this in every sense Dean. The list you saw doesn’t contain things I hate about you. It’s actually the complete opposite.” Castiel whispers and Dean stops breathing for a second. 

Has he heard that right?

When Castiel continues to stare so warmly at him, Dean blushes under his gaze, but he tries to be a bit more confident and turns his head a bit into Castiel’s hand so he can press a kiss against the heel of his hand. 

“I love you.” Castiel says and Dean isn’t sure what he should answer. Sure, he wants to say it as well, but he is really surprised. Castiel just smiles and then takes his hand away, instead he puts the list on Dean’s lap.

“I really thought you hated me for all of this. That you wanted us to stay friends.” Dean mutters and he carefully strokes over the paper. He doesn’t know how many times he already had it in his hands, but for the first time, it feels good.

“I never wanted to be just friends.” Castiel says and Dean nods. He didn’t either.

Castiel taps at one of the bullet points.

“You know I enjoy it a lot when you make your love about pie known. You are so passionate about it and the smile on your face is the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen.” Castiel says slowly and Dean blushes under the words.

“I really wanted to eat the cherry pie.” Dean says and Castiel laughs. He points over to the other night table and there is actually some pie on a plate on top of it.

“Sam felt very bad and offered to get you some pie while you were still knocked out.” Castiel explains and Dean licks his lips. He smiles shyly, when he sees how Castiel’s eyes follow the movement.

“I would even share it with you.” Dean offers and Castiel’s smile is breathtaking. He looks down at the list again and points at the next sentence.

“Even though you really have no table manners, I think it’s endearing how you eat your food. It was very confusing to see you use your silverware for a burger.” Castiel smiles and Dean ducks his head.

“I was trying to be polite.” Dean says but his whole face is burning already. Castiel just chuckles again.

“I know that now, but please I want you like you are, even with your non-existent table manners and your love for unhealthy food.” Castiel explains and Dean nods. He is glad that Castiel doesn’t really hate that about him.

“You love burgers yourself.” Dean says and Castiel nods.

“I love the burgers you make the most.” Castiel admits and Dean smiles back at him. He really loves to cook and if Castiel liked it, then it would be even more fun to cook for him in the future.

“So, no green food for me?” Dean wants to know and Castiel snorts.

“Well it wouldn’t do you bad if you eat a salad sometimes.” Castiel says and Dean knows that Castiel is right. Maybe he would listen to that for once. 

“Okay, for you, I eat the disgusting stuff.” Dean winks and Castiel turns very serious again. Dean fucked it up in only a few minutes, but Castiel shakes his head.

“As I said Dean. I don’t want you to change for me. I like you the way your are. Even with your unhealthy affiliation to your car.” Castiel says and Dean snickers.

“Are you jealous of her?” Dean asks and he scoots over a bit to Castiel. Just when their thighs touch, Castiel sits down really on the bed and leans back against the headboard, just like Dean is doing. Now their legs are touching all the way.

“Maybe.” Castiel says and Dean laughs.

“Well I can assure you, she is only second place.” Dean says and this is the closest phrase to a love confession he ever said out loud. Castiel’s blue eyes are wide now, but he also relaxes against the headboard.

“That is good to know. Okay let's discuss the next point so you understand why I made this list in the first place. I love it when you are a bit playful and even childish. I could see that you really wanted to look at the Batman earlier.” Castiel explains and Dean shrugs.

“He was pretty cool. I wanted to take a selfie, but I thought you would hate that.” Dean admit and Castiel laughs a bit.

“Maybe we can drive back there this weekend and take a picture with him together?” Castiel asks and Dean still feels a bit surprised at that. It sounds like a date and Dean would love nothing more.

“Even with my loud music on the drive there?” Dean teases a bit and Castiel puts his hand on Dean’s thigh.

“Of course. I enjoy our car rides a lot and my loveliest memories are when you quietly sang to your favorite songs.” Castiel says and Dean frowns.

“Sometimes I do yell to the songs.” Dean says and Castiel snorts loudly.

“Yeah and you can’t sing, but I love it anyway. I still listen to your mixtape every time I go to sleep.” Castiel says and Dean pouts, but then he registers the second part of Castiel’s explanation. 

“You do? You have to promise me to never show it to Sam!” Dean says hastily, because when he had actually gave it to Castiel he had just thrown it at him, before leaving the room, before Castiel could ask questions.

“Of course not. You only sang them for me, I do understand that now. How could I ever believe you wanted to stay friends?” Castiel says and Dean cuddles a bit against him. His head is still hurting, but even before that he was just in denial, like Castiel.

“Took all my courage to ask you out.” Dean whispers and Castiel strokes over his arm, where the dress-shirt starts to itch.

“Not that you don’t look hot in this, but I prefer your flannels, even if you look like a lumberjack. You’re my lumberjack and I bet it’s much more comfortable to cuddle in those.” Castiel says and Dean looks back to the list.

At first he wants to object to the cuddling, but then he realizes they actually are already. Dean swallows. He really likes this.

“Yeah… I uhm...would like that.” Dean admits and Castiel presses a kiss to Dean’s head. Dean sighs happily and puts his head on Castiel’s shoulder. 

“What about the hunting part?” Dean wants to know, when Castiel takes the list in his hands again. Castiel is quiet for a moment and he seems to really think about his answer.

“I know that we will never give up the hunting. There will always be some evil monster, who will want to destroy the world, but I’m okay with it, as long as you are by my side.” Castiel says and Dean puts his hand over Castiel’s.

“I won’t leave.” Dean promises and Castiel nods.

“Do you know I’m actually glad you didn’t try to change your bowlegs?” Castiel says then and he actually giggles. Dean pouts to himself, but then Castiel’s finger carefully stroke over his legs.

“I didn’t want a surgery.” Dean says lamely and Castiel laughs again. 

“Well I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way to bow them even a little bit more.” Castiel says and Dean gasps loudly. He had never thought Castiel could be this forward, but he kinda likes it. Castiel laughs and Dean can’t help it, he laughs as well.

“Sounds like a plan.” Dean says quietly and he feels how Castiel moves a bit, before he leaves the bed. Dean wants to whine, but he catches himself in the act and Castiel comes back with another washcloth.

“First we need to get rid of this disgusting makeup.” Castiel says and he wipes Dean’s face clean. His smile is very soft, when he is finished and now the blush on Dean’s cheek should be very obvious.

“Better?” Dean asks a bit ashamed and Castiel nods.

“Beautiful.” Castiel says and he sounds so honest, that Dean just takes the compliment, without disagreeing. Castiel leans closer and just as Dean closes his eyes, he kisses him softly on his cheek.

“Never hide them again.” Castiel whispers against Dean’s skin and Dean nods. When he opens his eyes, Castiel is still very close and then just like always, Dean can’t look away.

He doesn’t know how long they stare at each other, just taking the other one in, but then Dean takes a deep breath.

“I love you, too.” Dean says and Castiel is still staring. Only at those words he snaps out of it and smiles widely. Dean looks down to his lips and Castiel doesn’t hesitate. He just grabs Dean at his collar and kisses him.

Dean kisses him back and for a moment he forgets the whole word around him, then Castiel breaks the kiss. 

“So, not just friends?” Dean asks a bit shyly and Castiel shakes his head.

"I like lovers more. So do I get a list, too about what you love about me?” Castiel asks cheekily and Dean snorts. 

Yeah maybe he should do that.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaand that's it! Hope you like it. Let me know what you think would be on Dean's list! 
> 
> Your DramaKing™ with a heart for happy endings.
> 
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> Find me on [tumblr](https://notfunnydean.tumblr.com)
> 
> I started doing commissions on tumblr, so you can check this out [here](https://notfunnydean.tumblr.com/post/183388037610/opening-fanfic-commissions) and my kofi page is [here](https://ko-fi.com/Y8Y3QRS5)! Thank you so much!


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